Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
