hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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