how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
