i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
