ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
