cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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