Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
