I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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