it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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