They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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