I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
