my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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