you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
