I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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