I can text with my tongue
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
