He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
