the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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