No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
