he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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