You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
