I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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