I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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