Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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