The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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