My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
