I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You may now shotgun with the bride
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
