his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
