the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
