I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
