he told me I talked like a deaf person
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
