Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
