i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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