i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
