Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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