His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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