Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
