Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
