i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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