We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
