Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
