Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
