So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize