Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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