There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
