in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
