i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
