You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
