mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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