Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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