True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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