tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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