dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
