im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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