i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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