At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
