watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
