i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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