are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
